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As the phoenix . . .

How shall I, then, begin? I have been gone a long time, and now I'm back, I hope. I might as well charge right in.

My mother died on February 25, 2018 of Alzheimers dementia. She had been living with me, under my care, since December of 2012, although she had been exhibiting troubling symptoms for almost twenty years, now that I know what I was looking at. It was a hard journey the entire way, and you can probably trace the progression by the dropoff and cessation of my writing and socialization. The final three months, on home hospice, were especially grueling. But she got to die in her own bed, with her cst curoed against her. I was there to hear here final breath, which makes it all worth it, I guess.

People in the Alzheimers/Dementia world say that a caretaker of a dementia patient will lose hald their cognitive function from the stress. I don't know about that -- how would I, because I'd be the last to know? I do know that I lost my joy and my creativity.

Will I ever write again? I hope so, but I have a lot of healing to do.

Comments

pandemonium_213
Apr. 1st, 2018 03:54 pm (UTC)
My deepest, deepest condolences, Randy. I know this has been a long, hard road for you and your family. And yes, that kind of enduring stress kills creativity and the desire to socialize. Totally understandable.

I was there to hear here final breath, which makes it all worth it, I guess.

I think it does.


Will I ever write again? I hope so, but I have a lot of healing to do.


Exactly. You've been through a hell of a lot. My mother's decline affected me, but your case is astronomically amplified. Dementia is such an awful, awful disease.

I think you'll write again. I think I'll write again. But it's gonna take time.

Hey, I was actually thinking about Randy and Saunders the other day while I was driving into work! My route takes me past a house in Brookline that I have fan-casted for Saunders' home, so that prompted a little scene of the pending holiday party that Saunders is throwing and to which Randy has been invited. No words written, of course, but the Dark Muse is still there, just very preoccupied by prodding me along in my career. He and I still visit Middle-earth now and then. :^)

randy_o
Apr. 1st, 2018 04:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Pande. It got to the point in the last six months where I would wake from a sound sleep thinking I had heard her calling, yelling back that I was coming, even once when Buns sourly pointed out that she was away on her five day hospice respite stay. I was on a hair-trigger. That doesn't go away over night.

About Aaron and Saunders, I had a blast of inspiration a few months ago after taking a Xanax. I know what Aaron wants from Saunders, enough to overcome the past. I knew you were hammered with work at the time, and I was plain hammered by life, but things lok like they might be changing for both of us. Will be in touch, if only to set the idea in your head.
pandemonium_213
Apr. 2nd, 2018 12:37 am (UTC)
Reading your reply to Aearwen below...I count myself, and more importantly, my mother, fortunate that dementia wasn't an issue with her. She kept her faculties right until she started actively dying. It breaks my heart that your mother died long before she actually died. That, in a word, is horrifying. I don't know how you bore it, but you did.

About Aaron and Saunders, I had a blast of inspiration a few months ago after taking a Xanax. I know what Aaron wants from Saunders, enough to overcome the past. I knew you were hammered with work at the time, and I was plain hammered by life, but things lok like they might be changing for both of us. Will be in touch, if only to set the idea in your head.

Inspiration via Xanax! Better living through chemistry, that's my motto! I'd love to hear about that blast!

Edited at 2018-04-02 12:39 am (UTC)