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Summary: When Elrond is short a courtesan for the fifteen year exchange, what will he do? Pimp out his daughter -- that's what! Comfort and a Warning From the Author; WAY TOO MUCH OF THAT ANNOYING HET. Sorry! :): Parody, D/s, SI, slash, anal, bdsm, f/f, m/f, m/f/m, solo and general bad taste. NC-17
Introduction: Please Read First


Nine and a Half Weeks in Mirkwood
By Acharn Lend


Disclaimer: This is not my garden. I just play in it. All here, with the exception of my original characters, belongs to Tolkien and his estate. Well, actually it doesn't, because I have unaccountably borrowed the names, faces, and settings and proceeded to merrily describe Elves that the good Professor would not recognise. In fact, if he found himself sitting next to them on the bus, he would probably get up and change seats. Even my original characters, as they are modeled after Elves that owe more to Terry Pratchett than to JRRT, I owe more to the misguided writers of bad fanfic than to Tolkien, so I would not expect him to acknowledge them either. I earn nothing here except my own grim satisfaction.



Part One: Curses and Questions


"Damn." Elrond swore softly, glancing up at the lovely elleth who stood before his desk. "Why have we only three courtesans in Rivendell?"

The elleth cringed slightly, "Well, we were five. Meril sailed west with Celebrian.. Tathryn spent one too many nights with Elladan and Elrohir and now she's in a padded room in the healers ward under heavy restraint. Now we are three. Me, Fianal, and Firiel."

"How did I end up with one male courtesan and only TWO females?" Elrond groused, shaking the missive in his hand.

The elleth whispered softly. "Because you don't like to share Firiel, which leaves Fianal and I to manage the court for ourselves, My Lord Elrond." She realized that this statement both violated rules of good grammar and failed to answer the question, but she hoped the readers were too intent in their search for hot elf porn to notice.

Elrond sighed. "I need a female for the exchange this time, and you are already being returned to Lothlorien. I simply refuse to give up Firiel!"

The elleth could only shrug. She knew how hard it was to set up a flimsy plot excuse. "My Lord, even if we could find someone gullible -- er, willing to take Firiel's place, there would be only two weeks to complete her training. And anyone we send must be of the quality that Rivendell courtesans are renowned for."

"Well, I refuse to send Firiel!" Elrond glowered. He pushed back his chair and regarded Morie as she stood properly in front of his desk, her hands behind her back, all the better to show off the bodacious rack which presently strained the thin fabric of her gown. Her hair was loose and unadorned, to show the utter lack of status and the constant sexual availability necessary to a proper courtesan. Her demeanor was accordingly servile.

He motioned for her to come around the desk and stand before him. "Courtesan. Tell me what makes a good courtesan."

"Besides an utter lack of self esteem?"

"Yes, besides that," said Elrond taking up his pen and beginning to make a list.

"Well, beauty, grace, accomplishments in the social arts. She must make the males stand tall for her, and the maidens flutter their eyelashes in hopes of a secret session in the powder room."

At the mention of ellith in the powder room, Elrond looked at her, the quill falling limp in his hand. Something else was limp no longer. He raised his trademark caterpillar eyebrow at her and she smiled back seductively.

Elrond leaped up from his chair, locked the door, carefully drew the draperies, and went to his bookshelf to take out his scroll of Aelfwine's commentary on the Laws and Customs Among the Eldar. Checking the fine print yet again just to make sure, he smiled and opened a secret drawer in his desk. Bypassing the female garments he liked to dress up in secret on the weekends, he took out a linen bed sheet with a hole cut strategically in its middle..

Motioning Morie up onto his desk, he flipped up her skirts, laid the sheet over her and undid his own lacings. He waited for the resigned sigh that was her indication of passionate acceptance, entered her, and pumped away. Within twenty seconds, his shuddering cries of fulfillment filled the air.

"Oh, my Peredhel Lord, you undo me!" said Morie, striving mightily to hold back her true thoughts: "Was it even in yet?"

"And she must always know when her lord is too tense for his own good," she continued, as he rolled off her.

Elrond sighed as he sat back down. "I don't suppose I could convince you to stay another fifteen years?"

"Nay, My Lord," she answered. "Whenever I am away from the Golden Wood too long, I begin to pine. Tis time I return."

"You pine for Celeborn," Elrond sighed.

"Nay, for the Lady Galadriel; her balls are bigger," Morie answered, and the two of them dissolved in helpless laughter.

But even as he laughed, Elrond eyed the list on his desk. With only two weeks left until the exchange, who could he find?

* * *


Bada-bing! Who will it be? Stay tuned.

TBC in Chapter Two: Who?

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
nierielraina
May. 7th, 2009 04:02 am (UTC)
YES! this is the story with the awesome disclaimers!!! Excellent story too, Randy. :)
(Anonymous)
Aug. 3rd, 2010 12:10 am (UTC)
http://blogprotravel.com/?paged=3
Blogprotravel.com online adult personals BDSM Community
randy_o
Aug. 3rd, 2010 12:18 am (UTC)
Re: http://blogprotravel.com/?paged=3
Are you a bot or for real?

I think you may have missed the point of this parody if you're real. BDSM is really not my thing.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )